#happinessproject 10

1. One heart to heart conversation with Dad. To help him be positive, to look at the bright side. Hope it helps him.

2. Little Women. What a cute movie. I wanted to sit and start writing my boring ass NRI story. JSK keeps starting so many stories she rarely finishes them. Distracted.

3. Weather is good, thanks to rains.

4. Bored. Being bored is better than being worried? Tomorrow planning to order Swiggy or something, want to eat bajji, bonda, poli etc, some chennai specials, keep it interesting. Appetite is back thank god. I know this is calm before the storm. We are preparing. Do I have the strength to sit through the time during his surgery?

5. Ordered groceries online. Seems to work, will use for the next few weeks. Want to order some specialty chocolates and may be Indian alcohol for boss, he has been so awesome. Any recos? Something that is very Indian?

#happinessproject 9

1. Glad to have a friend help out with hospital stay.

2. Drama on an injection dad needs. So prescription was written by the doctor, the medical shop guy stocked the wrong amt, I would not have bothered to check but Dad did and argued with the guy. Why is it so hard for people to do their jobs. The guy said the doctor might have written the prescription wrong. At that moment I didn’t know whom to believe because honestly I don’t trust the doctors here too. All payment seat doctors who only care to make money and not to actually help people. The injection is to be taken for three days prior to surgery. I called a bunch of pharmacies, and finally found someone to get it. Still don’t have it but hope to have it soon. The silver lining? The owner of the pharmacy apologized to Dad when to the other pharmacy and ensured it was the right dosage etc etc. The boon and bane of India seen on the same day!

3. Comicstaan! Don’t miss it. TheAbhisbekKumar started slow but in a few episodes I was a fan. And then I realized he is the creator of Miss Janaki, who took insta by force this lockdown!

4. The Anvayaa guys came. Feeling a bit peaceful knowing somebody will care of Dad while we are away. Let’s see.

5. My doctor friend finally had the time to call me. He was calm and reassuring and talked to my Dad too. A humble doctor who also said surgeons do their best but beyond doctors pray is what we can, esp when it comes to cancer. Fingers crossed. Dad is scared. Thoughts of death obviously keeps lingering and to me too, but I tell him it is not a big deal, everything will be fine. Let’s see!

#happinessproject 8

1. Thanks for friends helping DH with some food. Keeps it interesting for them.

2. JSK has started a chat doc for me and her to chat 😂 so cute. They already had a fight and we wrote to me about it. She is giving me puzzles.

3. Kamala Harris! Honestly this is the first time I am seeing her in action. Well poised. Inspiring.

4. Lost a couple pounds since coming home! 😂 Cook said it seems they are starving me. So has started putting some salt and making some interesting items like Ragi puttu and kuzhi paniyaram. Downside? Dad had a bout of stomach ache yesterday. Not sure if it is something different the cook did. She is going to get from him today.

5. There is a potti kadai right in front of our house. Oh the convenience! Got dairy milk yesterday again. 😂 have warm memories of dairy milk with DH. Surgery got pushed out by a week so this week is kinda vetti.

#happinessproject 7

1. Dad had a condition that we thought was chronic. There was a possibility of 0.1% for the condition to reverse and looks like it did! Hallelujah!

2. Anni made Adhirasam. So nice to eat! I am on a break from my sugar free diet. Will resume soon. Right now home food is so bland I have lost all desire to eat. So some sweets are helping.

3. Visited MIL, was nice. Typical for them to take offense at not eating anything. I have come to take care of my father, if I fall sick I don’t want to be taken care of by my father! Looks like I escaped flight exposure. The two days at the hospital is still giving me the heebie-jeebies, flight exposure is nothing compared to hospital exposure. Ugh! That’s the pharmacy, my dad is in there, while I was doing some insurance work. Can you fricking believe it? In a hospital? If I get back home without contracting covid I would say it will truly be a miracle. I did get travel insurance since covid hospitalization runs in several lakhs and I am high risk.

Well she made thayir vadai and medhu vadai and aviyal for me. I packed it and ate at home. So yummy 😂

4. Watched Enola Holmes. Loved it. So much energy, such wits, oh to be young and alive again 😂 Again my love for the English and England has not diminished one bit. I can see I am so influenced. But everything about that little country is fascinating, the place the people, everything! So naturally started watching Sherock again. A great diversion from the room and gloom and depression around. Need to learn to take life as it comes, enjoy it to the fullest!

5. Brother and family will be coming end of the month. I am kinda relieved. Cos I would feel so guilty to leave Dad alone and go. He will be sorting out his Visa issues from here and then leave in a month or two. His new job is dragging on, due to Covid. A blessing in disguise for me!

Bonus : so much drama at the White House! US politics is looking so much like Indian politics, is it true is it not true? Is it staged? What is real? Ugh! The gate keeper of MIL’s apartments saw me use the hand sanitizer and said ‘ why are you doing this chumma, there is no coronavirus, it’s all a hoax.’ looks like Trump and him are friends 🙄🤯

#happinessproject 6

1. Thankful for Anni getting me some puttu. Dad’s food as you already know is bland with no oil, no salt, no spice. I have lost any interest in eating. May be I will continue to lose weight?

2. Thankful to one Akka who understood my emotional state and offered to give me company for anything needed while I am here. You know I want that support but sometimes I have too much ego to take that support from people who want to offer it, like my MIL. 🙄 I hope I don’t need that kinda help. I hope everything just goes well.

3. Brother and family might come to Chennai end of the month for a month or so. It might be a good transition for me to take off, I won’t feel so bad leaving Dad. Let’s see.

4. Saw the surgeon. He wants us to trust him. How nice would that be? Like in the older days just leave it to the doc with no Google no second opinion. I hate that he doesn’t encourage knowing more. But I wish we could spare ourselves the stress.

5. Work is kinda done. Thankful to my supportive boss cannot say enough. Will make up for this once I get back. Hopefully everything will be for good.

#happinessproject 5

1. Dad’s cook is always smiling and happy. She is at home for 2 hours I see Dad joke and smile. Other times he is pretty serious. No joking with me 😂 Some people just take life as it comes. Short life live it full and happy, bear the repercussions.

2. My SIL’s father came to visit Dad. Memories of him coming with us to the hospital two years ago when both Amma and Appa were in ICU is fresh in mind. He is also the live in the moment kind. So many ailments yet just do your thing and get on with life. People like me derive inspiration from such people.

3. Found a start up where they take care of elderly in India specifically geared towards parents of NRIs. It is a good startup idea! Planning to avail services. The founder said we will take care of your parents like you would so you can be at peace. Now I don’t want to outsource taking care of my parent to someone else but definitely helpful in case of emergency etc. Need immediate caregiver post surgery but we will see. Covid test taken will stay at home etc. I am kinda useless just moral support but it is giving both me and Dad support and strength.

4. Surgery postponed by a week which means one week I will be vetti. I didn’t want to work anymore from here. Last night was crazy with dizziness from lack of sleep, to internet outages and dropped calls and too many slides to make and people to convince. So I will take the one week leave and veg, try not to stress too much!

5. My old iPhone is fixed, forgot the passcode so had to restore it. need to unlock it and can use it here.

Lot of drama in the US, elections and school reopening!!

#happinessproject 4

1. Set up Amazon fire stick at home. So appa can have his Madha and Aasirvadham TV running in the living room while Big Bang Theory can run in my room.

2. Attended mass with Dad. If not to provide support I think I provide him with some distraction. To get a cellphone for me, to get batteries, to cut fruits etc etc.

3. Dad spoke to a ‘seer’ it seems, and he said in his ‘vision’ that he will be fine. Whatever rocks his boat. He seems a little confident which is good.

4. Dad said what he used to say, that he wished he didn’t educate us so much that we are so far away. Comparing with another family where the son lives with the parents in a tiny apartment, and daughter lives a few streets away. I told him how he is elevating his generation. And that he can come and live with us permanently. He is considering. Which itself is a good sign. We have decided, if surgery goes well, he can stay here or do what he wants. If he needs more treatment, radiation, will apply for GC and continue treatment in US. I need to see how expensive it will be with health insurance. But like any of us in our family he will be taken care of.

5. After home renovation we have enough rooms for both Appa and MIL to come and stay with us, forever. I am actually liking the idea. I see families with grandparents living close by. I do miss JSK not getting that grand parental love. She will be spoilt rotten. But it will be a good thing for all of us. I may go crazy with MIL, but for now I feel I can do this. MIL may not come for another few years she has a busy life here and both BILs are now in India. With my brother now fully transitioning to Malaysia, it is best Dad comes and stays with us. It will put a wrench in our travel plans etc but it will get rid of the NRI guilt. He can walk/bike to church. There are Indian parent communities he can engage with.

Alright! One more week of disengaged work, but it keeps me busy. There is nothing else to do but some chores, preparation, doc visits, need to get a male nurse, to help out post surgery.

Not meeting anyone until my 2 weeks quarantine is over. Life is going on as usual, folks shopping and on two wheelers with masks. Only I hyperventilate.

Prayers!!

#happinessproject 3

1. To be home! Everyone said me being here will give confidence to dad but seeing him and being here gives me strength. That we will handle this, see through this.

2. Spoke to this uncle who underwent the same procedure with the same doctor we are consulting. He is older than Appa, he had many tips to give. He is such a good soul apparently he helped another person get through this by actually keeping him and his wife at his house as he recovered. I was amazed. He gave some confidence. To know there are such good souls in this world!

3. JSK is being encouraged as a writer by her teacher it seems. Glad to have good teachers, her teacher strives for a personal connection with her students during these online school times. She apparently said not to lose that writing fire in her and has helped her with stories published by kids like her. When I wonder why are we living like beggars in a tiny old home that costs a fortune, these teachers are the reason. So JSK apparently has been writing and ‘thinking’ like how authors do in her room a lot the last couple days. 😂

4. There is so much sadness in this world. Everyone gets to share a bit of the load. Silver lining? That father has lived a full proud life. He has helped so many people, to give them a means to support themselves, support a family as a grand father when everyone else gave up. He has good wishes from many surrounding him. Old age is a cruel but a good life lived makes it all worth it. Why are we so afraid of leaving this world? May be what lies beyond is better than this?

5. Last but not the least thankful to be financially in a good position to get through this. So many get into debts when a medical emergency strikes. We will provide the best care possible without regard to expenses.

#happinessproject 2

1. Covid negative! Tested 5 days post exposure so I am hoping this is accurate. Will try to be socially distant at home also for one more week.

2. Ordered a brownie. I will check out this afternoon, so made the most of one of the last days at the hotel.

3. Clorox wipes more readily available here in India than US! Ordered a whole bunch and it arrived already. To keep us safe for the coming weeks.

4. Notification from execs that meetings will be 50mins and 25 mins instead of 1 hr and 30mins to give some downtime in between. No meeting Friday afternoons to unwind and prepare for the weekend. Some nice gestures.

5. Dad is concerned about surgery but I have convinced him to look at radiation if something is even remotely off in his test reports prior to surgery. What do I want? I wanted surgery but now I want him to be comfortable and not suffer too much. But he wants it out of him. Thanks to all friends praying for us. Prayers only can help at this point.

India trip in the past four years have become hell, filled with sadness starting with FIL’s death. First it was all weddings, then this.

This is not going to end soon, I am not delusional. DH agrees we can start GC processing for Dad may be so we can take him back and continue treatment there. It is going to take a while to process, upto a year, until then I pray nothing horrible happens. Best case? The surgery gets everything out. That is what I want. Worth going through surgery.

This surgeon is supposed to be one of the best in the city, refered by many but not by US standards , hasn’t done as many surgeries to considered an expert, per google. That is bothering me a bit.

Some say don’t read too much and confuse yourself. But how can I be prepared and take the right decisions so we don’t regret later?

Ignorance is definitely bliss. But information is also power.

SPB passed away. A legend is gone. Sad news everywhere, whole singing gives me solace this doesn’t help.

Anyhoo, toodles!

Mental Health

Cancer is sinking in, now that I am here in Chennai, being alone all day in a hotel room reading experiences online helps not one bit. You think cancer happens to someone else. But who am I kidding a few relatives have died of cancer. So it cannot be too far. That fear is definitely there. And then I have to provide support to dad. Help make decisions.

I will say this again, though we have made so many advancements in the medical field we are nowhere near. I suppose we should console ourselves that life expectancy is somewhat increased with all kinds of treatment when only a few years ago cancer was a death sentence.

Work keeps me slightly sane, like normal. But the ache exists. You wonder how death comes to you, and when you see a glimpse of it, it is harsh.

Feel so so sorry for Dad. He succumbed to anti depressants to sleep well at night. He is so scared. We are a family of people who cannot share our feelings for each other. Rarely dad opens up.

How to keep spirits up? And look for small joys?

I want to start my #happinessproject again because I don’t want to wallow in sadness. Does it even make sense?

Five things I am happy for today –

1. A supportive team and boss giving me the time and space to figure out what I want to do

2. A supportive family DH and JSK managing themselves giving me the time to focus on my father

3. Folks online who are open to sharing their experiences, to help us make decisions.

4. Super pampered by hotel staff. Madame Madame Madame. Going out of the way to keep me happy. Indian hospitality is the best.

5. Family of Two and a Half Men keeping me company day and night as I quarantine within the four walls of the room.

Got another covid test done. They came took samples. If I am negative will go home. Dad still wants me to quarantine for 14 days. 😂 Stickler for rules that he is.

Trying to get some help from relatives. But if they come what about covid? Covid doesn’t help. Worst timing. I guess cancer doesn’t wait for the right time.

Will try to write everyday to keep my head clear.

Toodles!