Halloween is over, phew! Not that I did anything for it but just answering JSK’s how many days to Halloween every morning was getting tiring. Because I would ask her to count down and she would or not depending on her mood.
Anyhoo. I have attended exactly 1 funeral before my mother’s, my thatha’s when I was 15. I don’t remember much. But I do remember vowing not to live beyond 50.
My paati, periyappa, periamma, many cousin brothers, passed away, while I was conveniently living away.
And then last week a college friend’s father passed away here while he was visiting. It is the saddest thing. I don’t know him, met him at a wedding may be. But my heart went out to her family. I don’t know if I realized the magnitude of the loss until my own mother’s passing. She lost her mother to bone cancer three years ago and I knew that, I don’t know if it hit me. Her father had breathing issues and once it became cold and the heater was turned on he couldn’t get enough oxygen. They are four daughters. One daughter is in India, the rest are here. They didn’t want to do the whole embalming process to take him back to India so they had the funeral service here. I attended. I cried.
It all came rushing back to me. The suffocation, the breathlessness. That night. The week leading to the night. The silent times waiting in Daddy’s hospital room. Silence. Prayers. Tears. The sleepless night. The power cut the whole day. The crowded house. The funeral Mass. The grave. The week after.
One of the fundamental fact of life is birth and death. Death is inevitable. Why does it hurt so much. The fragility of life. The huge void. Like I don’t have a mother to talk to. What did she do when I did this when i was JSK’s age I will never know.
I wouldn’t have known what to do in a funeral. This time I knew. A hug. A comforting one. No words can soothe them. Nothing. I felt a bond. Like the motherless club. Or the parentless club. Her husband lost his mom on his birthday. The irony. Her dad passed away on their wedding anniversary.
She has been very unlucky with lot of issues in her family. Sister divorced. She didn’t have kids. Mom fought long bone cancer.
I pray she has the strength to get on with life. May God be her support.
My Thatha is almost giving up. How painful must it be. Appa has a help to help him with him. The hope is to bring him back to better health and then visit my brother next year.
I keep going back to my what ifs. What if my father couldn’t have given his kidney? She could have lived a little longer? A suffering life I suppose. Which is better? A painful depressing life or life less? I cannot forget the last time I saw her face as she was wheeled into surgery. I was putting up a brave face for her. Did she know? I heard her voice on the phone at surgery and she said ‘ I cannot wait to get out of here ( the ICU)’ Amma, why didn’t you?
Reading this book It is OK to be not OK. It is OK to feel the pain. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I still cry, mostly in the car. After I talk to Dad. It has been only 3 months. I feels like forever. The only question I keep asking myself is WHY? WHY? WHY?
And then I read about this couple who died taking pictures at Taft point. We were at Taft point, last year. This news ruined it for me. you see some people at the ledge? Where they fell from. Some stupid folks asking why no rails. Really? Can you rail off the miles and miles of numerous cliffs that nature created over millions of years? It is not a man made amusement park, it is nature made National Park. Go at your own risk.
Nature is as dangerous as it is beautiful.
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Any way apologize for the sob post.
We decided to hit Steve Jobs’s house for trick or treating which was a bad idea. It is just 2mi from our house. It was like a carnival with the street closed for vehicles. Steve jobs and Larry page live across from each other both do great Halloween. It was so crowded, I regretted the moment I got there. We ended up going to the near by streets away from their houses for some real trick or treating without long lines. We did go to Steve Jobs house, they had live music band and a zombie Olympic show and such. Five people were giving out candy one of them his wife. Other houses in the area also had stupendous decorations and multiple candy stops. Wizard of Oz and movies and dancing skeletons and such. Apparently in one house the guy said ‘ I will bring the candy bowl out and it should be empty in 10 seconds’ or something like that. Kids just grabbed them. Apparently people come from all over the bay to trick or treat here. It was so crowded didn’t feel like taking any pictures. One lady was apparently doing politics giving out candy only if the kids said they don’t like Trump or something 😂
Overall good to visit once. Next time we will stick to our neighborhood, they are nice to go around too. Our bowl of Dum Dum lollipops which were carefully selected by dotter to be distributed for Halloween were empty.
JSK was a detective. Why don’t we have any girl detective costumes? I got a pink trench coat to go with fedora hat and look back coolers. And invisible ink pen and UV light and so on. And a notebook and pen to write her clues in.
Two parties for Halloween at work with pumpkin carving and dessert competition. I am done with pumpkin carving.
My Halloween is always jinxed. I couldn’t attend dotter’s school parade, DH did. I had a VP review today morning at 8:30. And we had a prep meeting for it at 8:30pm last night. Next week is crazy. 3 VP reviews and one exec review. In 5 days. Shudder. I will be ready for that vacation by end of next week.
That’s it for today.
Ramblings Only 